


'Twas the Night Before Christmas

by Ciphertext_x



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Christmas, Classic stories, Gen, Rhymes, Swearing, This Is Fine, christmas cheer, gift-giving, it is also fine for me to write this, it was about 3am when i first wrote this, it's the holiday season Dx, please don't yell at me, seemed like a good idea at the time, seriously what is this, you may headcanon the Pines as Jewish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 21:01:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9023536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ciphertext_x/pseuds/Ciphertext_x
Summary: No summary. No excuses. Just enjoy.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RoboticPopSauce](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoboticPopSauce/gifts).



'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the Shack  
Not a creature was creaking, not even Stan's back  
The stockings were hung by the TV with care  
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there

The Pines twins were nestled all snug in their beds  
While visions of Dream Boy High danced in Mabel's head  
In the room down the hall Stan was snoring loud  
In the basement below Ford spoke his dreams aloud

When out on the lawn there rose such a clatter  
Dipper sprang from his bed to see what was the matter  
Away to the window he flew like a flash  
Tripped over his feet, pressed his face against the glass

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow  
Gave the lustre of midday to objects below  
When, what to his wandering eyes should appear  
But a bright yellow demon whom they'd not seen for a year!

With an R-rated curse and a burst of blue fire  
Dipper knew things were about to become pretty dire  
His last name was Cipher, his first name was Bill  
And apparently he  _wasn't_ so easy to kill

"Oh, well this is just great!" the small demon said  
As his tiny little body began to glow red  
"From a decaying dimension to being frozen in stone."  
Cipher rolled his one eye and let out a groan

As an empty plastic bag that in the wind flies  
Bill glared at the house and rose up into the sky  
He grumbled under his breath and muttered complaints  
Dipper felt at any second he might fall down and faint

And then, in a twinkling, Bill had rose out of sight  
Dipper took a deep breath and got over his fright  
He turned from the window and flew from the room  
Calling Mabel awake to warn of their doom

The ruckus he made on his way down the stairs  
As he ran to wake Ford who would be well-prepared  
Woke Stan from his slumber and to the hallway he stepped  
From his bedroom in his boxers, looking rather unkempt

"Where's the fire?" Stan called as Dipper ran faster  
Desperate to prevent this imminent disaster  
But Ford was already at the bottom of the stairs  
Alarms below blaring and a gun in his care

Before anyone could move so much as an inch  
The Shack door flew open and everyone flinched  
There in the doorway was Bill Cipher made real  
Floating indifferently and making Dipper squeal

Equilateral and sharp, and a yellow so bold  
Mabel laughed when she saw him and his eye turned cold  
With a slump of his shoulders and a sigh from his mouth-eye  
He said "Fleshbags, I'm back, and you're wondering why!"

The Pines spoke not a word, in far too much shock  
As Bill floated past them and continued to talk  
"So get this," he says as they follow him inside  
And he snaps his fingers and the Pines' eyes go wide

There in their stockings and under the tree  
Appeared mountains of presents, all wrapped and shiny  
"The  _only_ way for me to shirk all that blame  
Is to become Santa Claus and wallow in the shame."

The Pines all said nothing, not sure what he meant  
So Bill rolled his eye again and on his cane he leant  
"Different form, different time, that's what it said  
So here I am again, and joy and cheer I'll spread."

"Now open your damn presents, you traitorous little shits  
So I can get the hell out of here, lickity-split."  
After a moment of silence, the Pines family shrugged  
They'd seen stranger things without even being drugged

For Stanford, a large gift, and topped with a bow  
The man looked excited though he tried not to show  
He peeled back the wrappings, A QUANTUM DESTABILIZER  
Now imagine if things  _rhymed_ with "quantum destabilizer"

For Stanley, another big one, too heavy to lift  
The old man warily eyed up his gift  
He didn't get to open it before it simply exploded  
The Footbot 2000, all sciencey and loaded

For Dipper, what  _looked_ like a modern smartphone  
But when he asked it a question, he found his mind blown  
"All the secrets of the universe!" Bill said with a wink  
"Don't tell anyone, or to the bottom of the lake you'll sink."

And for Mabel, what looked at first to be a sweater  
But Bill promised it was definitely something much better  
"For those days where you just gotta stay in Sweater Town!"  
His cryptic words earned him nothing but frowns

"Well, Pines family, my work here is done!  
I really can't stay, but  _boy_ it's been fun!  
Baby, it's cold outside, but I've got to go  
Like, seriously now, or up I will throw."

Blue fire rose around him, to the Pines he gave a whistle  
And away the demon flew like the down of a thistle  
But they heard him exclaim, 'ere he faded out of sight  
"I hate every single one of you, and Christmas is  **SHITE**."

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas to all of YOU, but extra so to RoboticPopSauce 'cause I technically wrote this as a part of their Christmas gift.
> 
> I am so original and funny, someone hire me.


End file.
